Something has been confirmed for me this week.
We were watching a video today of all of our class (well, almost all of us) playing pranks on teachers and slide shows of photos.
I wasn't in any of the photos.
The video I did wasn't put on either.
They also spelt my name wrong during the 'credits'.
I've been to this school since I was 5.
I was also reading a blog today which didn't really help my feelings of being over looked, but I'm not going into that.
I really didn't want to write another depressing blog my last week of school. I'm trying not to cry about all this. I just didn't expect that this is what my last week of school would feel like.
Sometimes, I just feel so isolated that I can't stand it. I'll be out with my friends and feel all alone. There's no one that I can think of that I can really relate to; that I can really trust; that really understands me, all of me.
Like I said at the start of this that something had been confirmed for me.
That thing is the realisation that I am, in a word; Average.
I'm not obese, but I'm not slim.
I'm not ugly, but I'm not pretty.
I'm not really bad at any subject, but I'm not really good either.
I don't have any particular personality traits, good or bad, that I feel make me stand out.
I don't have any hobbies at which I'm really good at (Don't say belly dancing because, again, I'm not bad, but neither am I really good).
This will probably all sound like self-pity. I don't want it to, that's not how I want it to come across. I just want people to realise that even small things can affect people, so that, with friends in the future, they'll be more careful.
I wanted this week to be sad, but in a happy way. I'd have photos with my friends, joke around, have fun. I wanted to be loud and laughing on Friday at school, then go out with my friends afterwards.
I just feel so overlooked and ignored, so lonely. I felt segregated enough as it is.
I want acknowledgement from other people so much that I almost constantly refresh my email page, in the hopes of a note from a friend. I even change my opinions on things because I think that people will talk to me more about something if they think I share the view (also to avoid conflict), similar to why I use 'Lol' so much on msn, even when I'm being serious about something.
I'm not sure if many (or any) of those who read this blog understand that the only reason I haven't tried killing myself yet is because, when I've held the scissors against my arm (and I have), I've lacked the courage of my convictions to press down just that little bit harder.
I'm not using colours in this blog post. The font and colour will be average.
Like me.
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4 comments:
Hun you are so wrong. You have innumerable personality traits that make you stand out. Your such a good listener and your advice to me is always heartfelt and helpful. Every single day, at least a dozens times i say to myself "god i love Rachel". I always have and always will think you are one of the most beautiful girls i know, your kind, passionate, intelligent, i trust you more than any other living person and you know me better than anyone, even adam and we been mates for 18 years.
I love you, the only reason i don't tell you that every single day is i thought it'd annoy you. You are the most important person in my life and i sincerely absolutly mean it when i say i would be lost without you.
I tried texting you right now but my phone is shit so I’m doing this here. It’s better if I can shout it out to you and people out there through this anyways.
That’s not true. You aren’t ‘just average’ you aren’t ‘nobody’. Have you ever considered that you only think that because you’re you and can’t see the extraordinary because it’s ordinary to you? Because I wouldn’t call you ordinary, and I know part of you will think it’s to make you feel better but it’s just not. And I’m going to have to prove that.
Ok let’s start by stating that if you killed yourself, I would never get over it. Never. And other people wouldn’t either. If you killed yourself tomorrow I would fail all my exams because I wouldn’t be able to THINK or FEEL anything else. I would be sick to my soul and a nobody can’t create that feeling. A ‘just average’ wouldn’t make me feel like that. People close to me have died before- I’m not naive, Rachel. You have no idea what your death would do to me. Even thinking about it makes me want to throw up with panic.
And all the times I’ve told you that you are the funnest to hang out with? That’s not insignificant, it’s a trait, and all people are made up of those little traits, you can’t brush it off. You are far beyond average in my opinion with that. I don’t call other people when I want to hang out, I call you. Doesn’t that say something? I LIKE spending time with you. More than with other ‘average’ people. The fact is that out of all my best friends, you’ve been there the longest. And I’m sorry, I am so, so sorry for neglecting you as I bloody fucking well know I have and I hate myself deservingly for it but I thought someone else needed me more and maybe I was wrong about that and I’m sorry. It’s not an excuse- it doesn’t excuse me. it’s just a reason.
And I know you said not to do this but I will- belly dancing. We all went to that show, and we weren’t kidding, Rachel, out of all of them you were the best. Compared to people who had been doing it for years!! Ok I can’t name the moves but I can tell if a person can MOVE and you have the perfect hips and belly and your are bloody well amazing. Average? Nobody in the world would say that. In a class filled with people more experienced that you, you were complimented by a professional, and it’s not even that, it’s the impression you gave that night. You think you’re average but when you dropped your inhibitions you were far from it. The skill you showed had us all looking at each other in awe, you should have seen us on the table, so awed after seeing all the other performances.
You are not average. It’s people’s faults that they meet a person and If they are not extraordinarily outgoing they don’t make the effort. So many people out there are lazy and shallow- that is average. You think about things, deeply. You have an amazing imagination, I love your drawings (not just like- I love your style). And you say you are average in the bad things- you can hold a grudge better than any person I know. Not even in your bad qualities are you average. How are these traits of an average person? An average person is a teenage girl- not a bimbo, not a cliché, but just the normal girl who is in her world with gossip and boyfriends and HER stuff. And we all have that, yeah, but I’ve seen you talk and think about much deeper things. Saying things that are creative and thought-provoking and inspiring and for god’s sake you are so damn creative; that’s not average at all- having that type of imagination is nothing common.
You are different. You feel and you give and I for one love you and not as in a just- ‘meh, yeah she’s ok, we’ve been friends for a while’. You’re the kind of friend I’m going to make bloody well sure I don’t lose touch with. And if you don’t believe any of that then that just doesn’t change the fact that for me, at least, you are not average. It doesn’t matter what you believe or say, for me you will never be average. The very idea is a million miles off. Your are extraordinary because you make me think more than other people, I have laughed until my stomach hurts with you (our running gags, or when we didn’t even have to talk to communicate, but just laugh like lunatics together), you amaze me often, I care for you, love you, don’t want to lose you.
Please don’t kill yourself.
I am so sorry that I haven’t show that to you before. I am more like you than you think; hugs are awkward for me and often I don’t initiate them because of the same reason as you. I don’t open up to people until they seem to need me because I don’t know HOW. And I’m sorry, sorry for all those times I could have but didn’t. If anything, comfort yourself in the fact that you are not average because I feel physically sick right now just thinking about it all.
I've only met you once and from the moment I saw you i thought-this person looks like fun. I liked all the weird earrings you wore, they made me wanna pierce my own and have a lot like you, seriously.
Also, marina has talked to me about you a lot, how you two spread the Inuyasha love, how you guys got together and ate ramen and I felt envious of you because you had all that cool stuff to share with marina that I couldn't and for me, that makes you special because you can put a smile in the person I most love in this world.
And what about class? My surnames are kinda weird, Bas Conn and I've been with the same people all my stupid life and they always, ALWAYS spell 'bass con'', laura the fish. Why should it matter? I've never appeared also with them anywhere and a couple years ago everyone I knew (even this boy that I've been togetehr with since I was two fucking months old) believed a silly bitch that used to be my friend and had about 30 people screaming at my face and wanting to kill me. And what do I care? I don't, I'm perfectly fine with it.
I know I'm being quite the hypocrite by telling you all this when I just know your name and that you'll probabbly just want to kill me as well but for marina to come at me at 5 in the morning telling me that she's going to die because she almost killed you, I just can't sit still. If she's happy I'm happy and if you're happy she's happy, so I don't know.
I just wanted to thank you guys for your comments :) My goal in this post was not to upset anyone, or make anyone feel guilty; that's the last thing I want. It's just that, sometimes I keep lots of stuff to myself and I thought, because it's only friends who read this blog, that I should be more honest with you all. I'm so glad that I know people like you guys. About the whole suicide thing, it really is nothing to be very concerned about because those incidents where a while ago and I haven't done that in ages. And now, there's too much in life that I like to want to go down that road again. Thanks again you guys, it's people like you that give strength to others. I love you
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